The 11th days without sharon (cool , night)

I just could not believe i will post another post this fast... Today went to Service with her...It feels like a total stranger to me... I can feel that she is not comfortable with me..It makes me real sad... I even got jealous when I saw a guy take his phone up.. I do not know whether that guys is going after her but it just make me jealous...

It feels like i am back to square 1 again...Is like she does not even care about my presence at all..I guess i am just 1 sided she never want to come back to me ever but I just do not want to give up..Especially when i heard my mom still want migrate to U.S I really want to spend even more time with her but it will just force her away... Hope that she will take her lunch if not she will get gastric later on.. Anyway will update everything during the night..

Finally is night...I sms her and she had fun in her drama.... i saw 2 new guys added her in FB my heart feel so unwell...this is the feeling of jealousy but i cannot do anything about it...she is no more mine...if she is mine i wont feel jealous at all but now haix... At least now she is sleeping nicely... i guess i will stop here need to her up at 6am ^^

The 10h days without sharon (hot, night)

Well suddenly thought of the show "Heart of Greed" where they broke up and the guy starting writing about the days without his girlfriend.. lets see how long can i do this :)

Its been exact 11 days where we broke up..and the day we broke up is our 4th month anniversary.... I was so regret that I was too late to solve the problem between us... I am willing to sacrifice anything just to get that day to fix the problem but is just too late.. Even just by thinking of it makes me feel really sad..but is all over at least we are still communicating with each other now and we share many things that we did not share when we are together.

During the process, we even argue about what we did not like about each other and i remember the day was Thursday...Friday was cell group and I pick her up and her friends.. We seem like we are normal and doing things what we usually do when we are together but the is a wall putting that we are not together.. After CG Ian went to look for her and ask her about many things and when she joined in to my CG i can feel an uncomfortable aura coming and i saw sharon.. At first i thought is just something wrong with me but as time pass this feeling cant go away so i decide to leave due to it and also my mom wants me to be back.. Before i leave the house I was actually waiting... Waiting for what? I was waiting for her to ask whether she want to follow me back? It did not happen so I leave... When i finally got home I text her and ask her whether there is something wrong? She answer yea, so it make sense that i can sense the discomfort in her.. and I got to know that she actually want to go home she wanted to ask me to send her back but she did not...Communication break down!!! I was waiting for her and she was waiting for me...This is really like in the drama...well i learn my lesson, next time i will ask...

Saturday.. I wake her up for jungle trekking but she woke up before i manage to wake her... and time pass and i text her asking how was it and the conversation continues... This time i requested for her to text me first and she did, in a way i really want her to appreciate me so i did that...She was stress and afraid so i try to find ways to help her get through it but it was not really successful even I did not manage to make her happy.. For that moment I really gone blank, I really do not know what to do but i think of something and manage to make a smile little... I think if i were there beside her things will be different but i cant... Now we finally conclude that we will be going SVC together tomorrow...Although I am not her boyfriend and i might not be able to get her back especially if i do all these but I just could stop because I love her too much.. I could not bear to see her suffer... Anyway lets see how things goes tomorrow... Got to get to bed.. need to have full concentration to make her happy

Grown up or Scare??

Have you ever have a feeling that you want to do something but you do not want to do it? I have that feeling since long time ago but it gets stronger each year and now I guess it is going to take over my life.

Example of the above, you feel like doing something stupid but you could not do it because many people is there and there will be commenting on your actions and you will be affected by it.

Another story is I feel that we sometimes need to spend our time with lecturers and making them happy. Why? because this will dramatically affect the results. This is a real life experience and I feel that is not fair but this is the world. NOTHING IS FAIR. Is how you play around with it and make it useful to yourself.

Upon what I wrote the above, its more likely either I had grown up or I am getting even more timid because many things I do not dare to do anymore. Maybe is because i take every action into consideration where someone dear to me might not liked it. In addition to that, I am 20 now I need to be responsible for what I do.

Anyway I guess that I had succeed 80% in removing my life from college, this does not mean that I drop out is just that I do not mix around with people in college anymore. When there is classes I will be in class and when there is no classes I will either go home and settle my own stuff. That's all for now, guess will be uploading another post very soon. Most probably about friends around me.


P.S
The world is not fair,
Is how you make use of the situation to gain benefit.
If you manage to do that,
You are the Winner

A msg to every1 (copy from tuck long)

--Single--
To My Friends Who Are...........SINGLE
給我單身朋友們

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But
愛就像一隻蝴蝶。越要追牠，卻越要逃避。

if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can
如果就隨牠自由的飛，牠會在你最不注意時飛向你。

make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it
愛使人快樂，卻常傷害人。但只有在你把愛給了一個真正值得付出的人時，是最珍貴的。

to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.
所以，花點時間去選擇最好的他/她吧



--Not So Single--
To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
給我那不是單身的朋友們

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's 'perfect person.' It's about
愛不能使他/她成為一個'完美的人'

finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.
它卻可以使你找到一個幫你成長的他/她



--PLAYBOY / GIRL--
To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
給我玩世不恭的朋友們

Never say 'I love you' if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they
如果你不在乎，不要說'我愛你'。如果他們不在時，不要討論自已的感受

aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look
不要涉足會使他人心碎的生活。

in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is
說謊時，不要看著眼睛。

to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works
最殘忍的事莫過於男人讓女人愛他，卻是逢場作戲。反之亦然…

both ways...



--Heartbroken--
To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
給我心碎的朋友們

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to
心碎的時間和傷害的深度，完全取決於你自已。

go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
難的是，如何從中學習，而不是從傷痛中爬起。



--Naive--
To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
給我所有天真的朋友們

How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be consistent but not too
要如何戀愛？--就愛吧。不要欲言又止；要互相協調，不要太固執；

persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand,
要分享，且千萬不要有不公平；要了解，別命令；

and get hurt but never keep the pain.
受傷後不要再記恨。



--Possessive--
To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
給我積極的朋友們

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but
看到你所愛的他/她和其他人很快樂使你心碎

it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.
但知道你所愛的他/她是和你在一起不快樂，令人更加的傷心。



--Afraid to Confess--
To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
給我害怕去承認的朋友們

Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when
當你和他/她分手時，愛受到傷害

someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you
當他/她和你分手時，更是傷痛

love has no idea how you feel.
但傷害最深的是你所愛的他/她完全無法了解你的感受



--Still Holding On--
To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
給我那還在等待的朋友們

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love, only to
人生最傷心的事，是你和他/她愛情長跑了多年，最後的結局卻不如所望。

find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on
someone who wasn't worth it. If he isn't worth it now he's not
'如果他/她現在讓你覺得不值得付出，那麼一年，甚至十年後，都不會值得付出的。

going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.....
讓他/她走吧


----TO ALL MY FRIENDS----
給我所有的朋友們
My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong, mature,

我竭誠祝福你們愛著一個誠實、強壯、成熟、衷心、有衝勁、保護你、積極、值得付出和無私的他/她。
never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

Do not hold offences or it will change many people's life

Subject:
A story worth reading and taken as example in life.. dont lose the moments in life just because of a small quarrel..

This is long but worth reading and is a true story.. you may have received it.. but it is worth to be reminded of it again.

WHAT GRUDGES CAN DO....

This is for all the single, married, divorced, separated, widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please I BEG YOU, read this story until the end, it is such an opener. You will never know………………!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.

Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.

For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.

Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.

I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him:
"What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out.

Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.

I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.

At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.

Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My God, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.

As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother..

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.

I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.

I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:
Following mother's death so did our love for each other...

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.

I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.

Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.

We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him..

From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.

He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.

He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.

Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.

Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.".........


P.S: For all the people out there, please do not screw things up because of your ego or you might lose someone for a life time and regret it

Just for my special someone

Well...it has been sometimes i have blog and now some1 requested me to. So I will blog about it. Start of from emerge. It was tiring to me where i can hardly cope with it but i learnt something new, i get new friends, I manage to understand life more. More importantly I found you.

Last friday, We went to wong kok to celebrate my baby birthday. She dint expect us to suprise her there. It started of with us preparing cakes, then Ian went to spy on the condition. After that we came out with a plan(sounds like war or battle :P). So in the end we light up the cake, Ian, Miah and KB went it 1st after she started to make a wish I came in with a bigger cake. I can see her stunt till she could not finish her food. After that we join them but I cannot eat due to POS. A while later I joined the POS group to practice and prepare to perform.

It come down to Wednesday which is another surprise. We did a fake CG to celebrate for her again but this time we add more spice which is CG multiply. After when she heard that, she started to cry. It started off with some people sharing then me, mine was quite long but it all come from my heart and i manage to make Ian drop tears!! Yay,when I know Ian tears drop and he is not faking it,I was so happy because so many of us did not manage to make him cry but I did. Okay back to story, when she started sharing she cried even more (My heart ache during that time). After that Ian move to prayer when i see her cried I really wanted to stop the prank but I must not give in if not all my members effort will be waste. After praying, Her sis come out with justin with her cake and we started singing. Her wish was CG will not multiply and it come true because we prank her :P when she knows it, she started staring at me with the look like she was cheated and also she start pinching me but it is all worth it.

Besides the celebration, I went out with her and we spend our time together. It is memorable to me because I did many things where I never did it in public before. It really took alot of courage in me to make the 1st move to hold her. When I did, I was telling myself is not so hard after all and i started to get comfortable with it. Besides that I want to let everyone know she is mine :P. I also had a fun time with her in the car but we reach our destination and we need to get down. Then is her celebration time.[go back to 2nd paragraph] (I wont reveal what fun or what we did, she knows, I know good enough, people need privacy too) :)

Sometimes I am lost,
Sometimes I am sad,
Sometimes I am ill,
Sometimes I may fail.

It doesnt matter now,
As long as you are with me,
I dont care if i fail,lost, ill, or sad,
Because you are the cure to all of that.

How you feel matters to me,
How you treat me matters to me,
Because all your feelings can affect me,
Not only a short while,
It will be forever.

To the world you may be someone
but to Me you are the world.

P.S: I Love You Baby

I made a promise to you that I will blog before you go and here it is. Just want to let you know how much you mean to me..

Randomness

Well I suddenly have the urge to blog but do not know what to blog about...cause i have many things in mind...XD

Start of with my busy life, I am starting to slack from college activities like what i said...compare to last time which i spend most of the time in college, I now rather spend time at home to do what? SLEEP...I have been very busy and when I have time I would like to sleep...

Other than that, I guess I am just a failure in Love? I really notice all my love life was a failure. I guess the problem is with me not the girl. Besides that, is very hurting for me too. Sometimes i really do not know what to do. Am I expecting too much sometimes? When I see other people having fun with their partners anywhere and anytime it makes me feel so envy with them. I never had that kind of feeling before except for friends where I had the most fun with. Everytime when I talk about it, I will have flashback about the memories that i have been thorugh and it makes me feel very down and not wanting to talk about it. I really want to give up on my love life already. I really had enough. They always say they understand but what is it that you understand? And when things happen how did we end up? I already know that the day will come and always tell my partners about it and they dont believe and they will just say 1 word SORRY. Sorry cannot cure the scar inside my heart and it makes both of us suffer. I do not know what to say anymore. Well i guess thats all from me.


P.S: My only wish is to get some1 that really understands and will be close to me, only one. Is that too much? I am really tired of relationships even sometimes friendships. I miss my highschool friends but we are from different college T.T