Subject:
A story worth reading and taken as example in life.. dont lose the moments in life just because of a small quarrel..
This is long but worth reading and is a true story.. you may have received it.. but it is worth to be reminded of it again.
WHAT GRUDGES CAN DO....
This is for all the single, married, divorced, separated, widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please I BEG YOU, read this story until the end, it is such an opener. You will never know………………!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.
Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.
Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her.
For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure.
Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night.
I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him:
"What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out.
Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call.
I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?
At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house.
Maybe he really intends to leave me for good.. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My God, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother..
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in.
I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all. Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death.
I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me:
Following mother's death so did our love for each other...
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.
After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever.
We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him..
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room.
He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh.
He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital.
Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.
Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.
Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....
A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.".........
P.S: For all the people out there, please do not screw things up because of your ego or you might lose someone for a life time and regret it
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Just for my special someone
Well...it has been sometimes i have blog and now some1 requested me to. So I will blog about it. Start of from emerge. It was tiring to me where i can hardly cope with it but i learnt something new, i get new friends, I manage to understand life more. More importantly I found you.
Last friday, We went to wong kok to celebrate my baby birthday. She dint expect us to suprise her there. It started of with us preparing cakes, then Ian went to spy on the condition. After that we came out with a plan(sounds like war or battle :P). So in the end we light up the cake, Ian, Miah and KB went it 1st after she started to make a wish I came in with a bigger cake. I can see her stunt till she could not finish her food. After that we join them but I cannot eat due to POS. A while later I joined the POS group to practice and prepare to perform.
It come down to Wednesday which is another surprise. We did a fake CG to celebrate for her again but this time we add more spice which is CG multiply. After when she heard that, she started to cry. It started off with some people sharing then me, mine was quite long but it all come from my heart and i manage to make Ian drop tears!! Yay,when I know Ian tears drop and he is not faking it,I was so happy because so many of us did not manage to make him cry but I did. Okay back to story, when she started sharing she cried even more (My heart ache during that time). After that Ian move to prayer when i see her cried I really wanted to stop the prank but I must not give in if not all my members effort will be waste. After praying, Her sis come out with justin with her cake and we started singing. Her wish was CG will not multiply and it come true because we prank her :P when she knows it, she started staring at me with the look like she was cheated and also she start pinching me but it is all worth it.
Besides the celebration, I went out with her and we spend our time together. It is memorable to me because I did many things where I never did it in public before. It really took alot of courage in me to make the 1st move to hold her. When I did, I was telling myself is not so hard after all and i started to get comfortable with it. Besides that I want to let everyone know she is mine :P. I also had a fun time with her in the car but we reach our destination and we need to get down. Then is her celebration time.[go back to 2nd paragraph] (I wont reveal what fun or what we did, she knows, I know good enough, people need privacy too) :)
Sometimes I am lost,
Sometimes I am sad,
Sometimes I am ill,
Sometimes I may fail.
It doesnt matter now,
As long as you are with me,
I dont care if i fail,lost, ill, or sad,
Because you are the cure to all of that.
How you feel matters to me,
How you treat me matters to me,
Because all your feelings can affect me,
Not only a short while,
It will be forever.
To the world you may be someone
but to Me you are the world.
P.S: I Love You Baby
I made a promise to you that I will blog before you go and here it is. Just want to let you know how much you mean to me..
Last friday, We went to wong kok to celebrate my baby birthday. She dint expect us to suprise her there. It started of with us preparing cakes, then Ian went to spy on the condition. After that we came out with a plan(sounds like war or battle :P). So in the end we light up the cake, Ian, Miah and KB went it 1st after she started to make a wish I came in with a bigger cake. I can see her stunt till she could not finish her food. After that we join them but I cannot eat due to POS. A while later I joined the POS group to practice and prepare to perform.
It come down to Wednesday which is another surprise. We did a fake CG to celebrate for her again but this time we add more spice which is CG multiply. After when she heard that, she started to cry. It started off with some people sharing then me, mine was quite long but it all come from my heart and i manage to make Ian drop tears!! Yay,when I know Ian tears drop and he is not faking it,I was so happy because so many of us did not manage to make him cry but I did. Okay back to story, when she started sharing she cried even more (My heart ache during that time). After that Ian move to prayer when i see her cried I really wanted to stop the prank but I must not give in if not all my members effort will be waste. After praying, Her sis come out with justin with her cake and we started singing. Her wish was CG will not multiply and it come true because we prank her :P when she knows it, she started staring at me with the look like she was cheated and also she start pinching me but it is all worth it.
Besides the celebration, I went out with her and we spend our time together. It is memorable to me because I did many things where I never did it in public before. It really took alot of courage in me to make the 1st move to hold her. When I did, I was telling myself is not so hard after all and i started to get comfortable with it. Besides that I want to let everyone know she is mine :P. I also had a fun time with her in the car but we reach our destination and we need to get down. Then is her celebration time.[go back to 2nd paragraph] (I wont reveal what fun or what we did, she knows, I know good enough, people need privacy too) :)
Sometimes I am lost,
Sometimes I am sad,
Sometimes I am ill,
Sometimes I may fail.
It doesnt matter now,
As long as you are with me,
I dont care if i fail,lost, ill, or sad,
Because you are the cure to all of that.
How you feel matters to me,
How you treat me matters to me,
Because all your feelings can affect me,
Not only a short while,
It will be forever.
To the world you may be someone
but to Me you are the world.
P.S: I Love You Baby
I made a promise to you that I will blog before you go and here it is. Just want to let you know how much you mean to me..
Monday, November 9, 2009
Randomness
Well I suddenly have the urge to blog but do not know what to blog about...cause i have many things in mind...XD
Start of with my busy life, I am starting to slack from college activities like what i said...compare to last time which i spend most of the time in college, I now rather spend time at home to do what? SLEEP...I have been very busy and when I have time I would like to sleep...
Other than that, I guess I am just a failure in Love? I really notice all my love life was a failure. I guess the problem is with me not the girl. Besides that, is very hurting for me too. Sometimes i really do not know what to do. Am I expecting too much sometimes? When I see other people having fun with their partners anywhere and anytime it makes me feel so envy with them. I never had that kind of feeling before except for friends where I had the most fun with. Everytime when I talk about it, I will have flashback about the memories that i have been thorugh and it makes me feel very down and not wanting to talk about it. I really want to give up on my love life already. I really had enough. They always say they understand but what is it that you understand? And when things happen how did we end up? I already know that the day will come and always tell my partners about it and they dont believe and they will just say 1 word SORRY. Sorry cannot cure the scar inside my heart and it makes both of us suffer. I do not know what to say anymore. Well i guess thats all from me.
P.S: My only wish is to get some1 that really understands and will be close to me, only one. Is that too much? I am really tired of relationships even sometimes friendships. I miss my highschool friends but we are from different college T.T
Start of with my busy life, I am starting to slack from college activities like what i said...compare to last time which i spend most of the time in college, I now rather spend time at home to do what? SLEEP...I have been very busy and when I have time I would like to sleep...
Other than that, I guess I am just a failure in Love? I really notice all my love life was a failure. I guess the problem is with me not the girl. Besides that, is very hurting for me too. Sometimes i really do not know what to do. Am I expecting too much sometimes? When I see other people having fun with their partners anywhere and anytime it makes me feel so envy with them. I never had that kind of feeling before except for friends where I had the most fun with. Everytime when I talk about it, I will have flashback about the memories that i have been thorugh and it makes me feel very down and not wanting to talk about it. I really want to give up on my love life already. I really had enough. They always say they understand but what is it that you understand? And when things happen how did we end up? I already know that the day will come and always tell my partners about it and they dont believe and they will just say 1 word SORRY. Sorry cannot cure the scar inside my heart and it makes both of us suffer. I do not know what to say anymore. Well i guess thats all from me.
P.S: My only wish is to get some1 that really understands and will be close to me, only one. Is that too much? I am really tired of relationships even sometimes friendships. I miss my highschool friends but we are from different college T.T
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Please apperciate people instead of things!!!
Son and Father,
A man was polishing his new car; his 4 yrs old son picked up a stone &
scratched on the side of the car
In anger, the furious Man took his child's hand & hit it many times
not realizing he was using a wrench.
At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.
When the child saw his father....with painful eyes he asked
'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless.
He went back to the car and kicked it many times.
Devastated by his own actions... sitting in front of the car he looked
at the scratches, His son had written 'LOVE YOU DAD' .
Next day that man committed suicide...Anger and Love have no limits...
Always remember..... " Things are to be used and people are to be loved "
but the problem in today's world is.... "People are being USED &
Things are being LOVED "
A man was polishing his new car; his 4 yrs old son picked up a stone &
scratched on the side of the car
In anger, the furious Man took his child's hand & hit it many times
not realizing he was using a wrench.
At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures.
When the child saw his father....with painful eyes he asked
'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and speechless.
He went back to the car and kicked it many times.
Devastated by his own actions... sitting in front of the car he looked
at the scratches, His son had written 'LOVE YOU DAD' .
Next day that man committed suicide...Anger and Love have no limits...
Always remember..... " Things are to be used and people are to be loved "
but the problem in today's world is.... "People are being USED &
Things are being LOVED "
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Sometimes things lost will never come back (hope you guys understand chinese)
Dota比赛中场休息，我忙里偷闲用Msn聊天，
这个时间，没有几个人在线，
我与其中的一个女孩聊得来，她告诉我她叫诺儿，
我说我叫宝宝。这当然不是我的真名，只不过这样更容易哄女孩子。
诺儿给我的感觉很单纯，很可爱，她总是呵呵的傻笑。
我今年22岁，他们都说我有病，放着好好的工作不干，去打什么专业Dota，可我是一个自由散漫惯了的人，父母自有高额退休金，我住着自己的公寓。我热爱Dota，我的理想是亚洲冠军，为了它，我可以放弃一切。
我发现诺儿上网很有规律，而我也喜欢和她胡吹乱侃，别的我不敢说，哄小女生我最在行，尤其是诺儿这种单纯的。我喜欢气她，我总说她傻，她就回给我一个气呼呼的小脸，其实我是想说她傻的可爱。
他们说我是网上的害虫，因为我总是哄骗网上的小姑娘走到现实中来做我的女朋友，新鲜劲过了之后在SAY白白。我不是自夸我长得多么帅，我只是在陈述事实。
我知道时机到了，我对诺儿说：“我们见面吧！”在此之前，我已经在网上叫她一个多月的老婆了。
我坐在KFC等她，心中暗自祈祷她不要太恐龙。9点整，一个女孩推门而进，她似乎是披着阳光进来的，好耀眼的光芒，那一刻我以为我见到了天使。
我呆呆地看者她在我对面坐下，她梳着两条小辫子，额前的碎发泛着点点的光晕，我闻得到她身上力士香皂和苹果沐浴乳的味道，她未施粉黛的脸上还带着点稚气。
“你是诺儿？”我问她。
她咬着可乐吸管“恩”了一声。
“你成年了吗？”我怎么感觉自己跟诱骗未成年人一样呢？
诺儿听了这话，抬起头盯者我，她的眼睛很大，她特认真地说：“我下个月就过二十岁生日了。”
我不知道这个世界上有没有一见钟情，但我知道我对诺儿的这种感觉是从未有过的，很强烈，也很独特。我不知道这个比喻是否恰当，但我就是觉得她像个粉嫩嫩的
草莓蛋糕，可爱到让人想咬却又舍不得。我就像被施了法术一般，话都有些说不连贯，恍惚之中，看到她朝我微笑，阳光溢出来，溅落，星星点点。
我用尽了一切我所能想得出的方法才算把她“骗”到手，在我牵起她的手的那一刻，我告诉自己，她是我的女人，一个我要保护的女人。
我照例天天打Dota，但没忘了上msn和她聊天，偶尔在泡几个MM，我几乎天天都能收到她的留言：“宝宝你要乖，不要泡MM，天冷要加衣。”
我们战队顺利地进入了前八强，今天是总决赛，午休，我看着干巴巴的饭盒，没有丝毫食。走出赛区，看见大门口蹲坐着一个熟悉的身影，走过去看是诺儿。我拍拍
她，她显然吓了一跳，见是我，舒了一口气，把一个保温饭煲递到我手里。我接过后，她慌忙把手藏到身后，可是我还是看见她手上被烫的水泡。
盒里的饭有点凉了，我问她：“等很久了了？”
“对啊，你手机关掉了。”她嘟着嘴。
“不是告诉你不要来嘛。来，让老公抱抱，累了吧？”我有点心疼。
“我不来你又饿肚子，你一点都不乖，还挑食。”
我吃着盒里的饭，诺儿坐在我身边，紧张地问：“好吃吗？好吃吗？”我大口大口的扒着饭，说实话，挺难吃的，可是我能想象得出这个连袜子都不会洗的女孩是怎
样笨手笨脚地为我做第一顿饭。心中是久违了的感动。我笑着说：“老婆的爱心午餐当然好吃了，你看我不是全部都吃光了吗？
诺儿听了一脸满足地笑着，站起来就走。
“宝贝你去哪儿啊？”我问她。
“回家呗。“
“别急，我带你去一个地方。”我把她领进赛区，我从没领女孩儿见过朋友，更别说是赛区。队友们见到诺儿都好奇极了，“小嫂子、小嫂子”地叫着，弄得她脸蛋都通红的，队友们都跑来跟我打趣，我心里明白，我是真的爱上她了。
msn上，我问她，“诺儿，你嫁给我好吗？”
她还是呵呵地傻笑，“好啊。以前别人说什么要娶我，我觉得特恐怖，但是我现在突然想嫁人了。” 嗯，诺儿，相信我，等我攒够钱让你做最风光的新娘，我们就结婚。
虽然我们队没有拿到第一，但对于我们这支刚组成不久的队伍来说，全省第二的成绩已经是非常好的了，所以我决定继续努力，非打第一不可。
Dota的比赛越来越多，我也越来越忙，我忘了多久没想过诺儿了，我总是比赛到很晚，偶尔在msn上看到她，她也总是很沉默，我不知道她怎么了。现在想起来，才知道是自己不对，因为我从来没有关心过她是不是开心，过得好不好。
一天，
她说：“你能陪我说会话吗？”
我说：“不行啊，我现在在联系比赛正在等电话。而且马上要开赛了。”
“就一会儿也不行吗？”
“诺儿乖。”
”
“Dota对你来说真的很重要吗？”
“是。”
“那我呢？难道我就一点不重要吗？”
“也重要。”
“那我和Dota哪个更重要呢？”
“Dota。”我没有骗她。
很久，她的msn头像都没有再晃动。
几天后，我看到她给我的留言：“我不知道能不能等到自己比dota更重要的那一天了，以后你要照顾好自己．．．．．．”我觉得她像是在说傻话，没看完就关了msn。
几个月后，打完dota回到家已经是精疲力竭了，倒在床上一动不想动。这时手机响起来，我不想接，可它却响个没完没了。我一看是诺儿的号，就没好气地接起来说：“不是叫你这几天别打电话给我吗？你不知道我有多累……”
电话那一端传来一阵怒吼：“……你他 [ 粗话自动过滤系统 ] 还算不算是男人啊？”
不是诺儿，我一愣，“你谁呀你？”
“你甭管我是谁，明天诺儿出殡，你要也算个人，就来看她最后一眼。”
诺儿？出殡？什么跟什么呀？我还想再问下，电话戛然挂断。
忽然一股恐怖感占据了我，我拼命的回拨，很久才有人接起来，是个很苍老的声音，“你找……”
“诺儿呢？”
“她……不在了……”声音里明显带着哭腔。
我的脑袋轰的一下，难道，诺儿她真的出事了？
哪天，我看见诺儿被他们抬了出来，她脸上还带着微笑，可天使般的微笑再也泛不出光晕了，诺儿的朋友看我的眼神分明是仇视的，恨不得吃了我。诺儿的妈妈告诉
我，诺儿有血小板减少症，家里人什么都不让她做，生怕她不小心弄破了手指或是什么地方，血流不止。原以为治好了，可后来不知怎的，血小板又突然下降，心脏
功能也开始衰竭。前几天她突然精神很好，我们都明白那意味着什么，她说她想听听你的声音，打电话给你，可是关机，她说你一定在比赛呢。有人说去找你，可诺
儿不让，她说比赛对你很重要，她怕你生气，说着说着自己就哭了，我们也都跟着哭，她说肯定有一天你会明白，她比dota重要，可她等不到了……诺儿妈妈有抹起
眼泪来。
我靠在医院太平间的墙上，想哭没泪。
我好几天没打dota了，呆呆地看着诺儿的msn形象，自从诺儿走了以后，我整个人好像被抽走了力量。身和心都特别疲惫。
我打开诺儿的msn才知道，里面只有我一个人的号。
我注意到她的资料里有一个网址，打开是个心情驿站，有各种各样的故事，其中有篇文章的署名是诺儿。
我最近很不开心，我喜欢听他说话，可他却连话都不愿意和我说了，因为他很忙，他要打dota。他再也不叫我小傻瓜了，他从没说过爱我，也没送过花给我，可我还是喜欢他。
有一天我告诉他江边涨水了，他说以后陪我看，我很高兴。有一天我看见一只很可爱的小狗，他答应我，我们以后也会有一只，也叫诺儿，我很高兴。他说过几天陪我去看电影，放风筝，我特别开心，虽然这些都还没有实现，我相信总有一天会的。但我恐怕等不了那么久了。
他说dota比我重要，我没生气，因为这是实话，可是我很伤心，所以我偷偷地哭了。我想我还不够坚强，我做的还不够好，医生说我过不到下一个生日了，也就是4月4日，他还不知道我的生日呢！不过这也没关系。
我又虚弱了，刚打了几个字就很累，真的很没用。
我知道他有很多女朋友，这样也好，我走了，他不会伤心，虽然我是那样想嫁给他，我一直盼他送我玫瑰，哪怕只一支，以前有很多人送我，可我没收，因为那代表
爱情，我想我可能等不到他送我的那一天了，所以我偷偷买了一朵送给自己，我想我写什么他永远都看不见了，所以我可以随心所欲地敲打文字，我刚才打电话给
他，但他关机了。那个讨厌的声音一直重复‘对不起，您拨打的电话已关机’。我好想，真的好想再和他说说话，哪怕就一分钟，听听他的声音也好，我们好久都没
见面了，我每天都好想他。真没出息，又哭了，唉，其实我真的好放心不下他，他玩游戏时间长了眼睛会疼，我买了眼药水却没法给他，还有，他挑食……”
文章没有写完，想是她累了，结尾有一个FlasLASH，我点击Play，
优雅的声音在空空的房间里回荡。
“静静地陪你走了好远好远/
连眼睛红了都没有发现/
听着你说你现在的改变/看着我依然最在你的笑脸/
这条旧路依然没有改变/以往的每次路过都是晴天/
想起我们有过的从前/泪水就一点点开始蔓延……每当我闭起眼/
我总是看见/
你的诺言全部都会实现/
我亲过你的脸/你已经不在我身边/
我还是祝福你过的好一点/ 断开的情线/我不要做断点/只想杂睡前听见你的蜜语甜言……”
*断点- 张敬轩 Hins Cheung’s Song Lyrics*
Flash制作得有点粗糙，可我那憋了很久的眼泪还是滴了下来，画面的结尾还有一行行的小字。
“想听你说爱我，一声也好；
想接受你送的玫瑰，一朵也好；
想再多点时间爱你，哪怕只一天；
可是现在，我的手都已经好颤抖，好想再见你一面。”
我一个人做在漆黑的房间里，终于大哭起来，我就那样错过了你，我最爱的女人，还来不及宠你，还来不及实现诺言，还来不及让你做我最美丽的新娘。
该死的dota，我连你最后一面都没见上，我真该死。
是的，我终于明白了你是最重要的，可惜你不能在等我了。
今年清明没下雨，我放弃了dota，做了白领，我一定会要你做我最风光的新娘。
“生日快乐，小傻瓜。”
每日礼拜我都会来这里，我只想和你说说话，纯白饿墓碑宛如你的纯洁。微风像你的发丝轻佛过我的脸，想念我那依然最爱的你的笑脸。
朋友、家人都惊讶于我的改变，我不抽烟了，不打dota了，不上网了，养了一只和你一样可爱的小狗，像当初我们说好的那样，叫它诺儿，我只想再和你说说话，再送你最美的玫瑰
P.S :
Things lost will never come back,
I lost things that is important to me
And I never appreaciate it,
Now I regret it so much,
Regret till I wish I can turn back time,
But I cant and I do not have the power
And now I just hope that the person I love will live happily
Living happily without me
这个时间，没有几个人在线，
我与其中的一个女孩聊得来，她告诉我她叫诺儿，
我说我叫宝宝。这当然不是我的真名，只不过这样更容易哄女孩子。
诺儿给我的感觉很单纯，很可爱，她总是呵呵的傻笑。
我今年22岁，他们都说我有病，放着好好的工作不干，去打什么专业Dota，可我是一个自由散漫惯了的人，父母自有高额退休金，我住着自己的公寓。我热爱Dota，我的理想是亚洲冠军，为了它，我可以放弃一切。
我发现诺儿上网很有规律，而我也喜欢和她胡吹乱侃，别的我不敢说，哄小女生我最在行，尤其是诺儿这种单纯的。我喜欢气她，我总说她傻，她就回给我一个气呼呼的小脸，其实我是想说她傻的可爱。
他们说我是网上的害虫，因为我总是哄骗网上的小姑娘走到现实中来做我的女朋友，新鲜劲过了之后在SAY白白。我不是自夸我长得多么帅，我只是在陈述事实。
我知道时机到了，我对诺儿说：“我们见面吧！”在此之前，我已经在网上叫她一个多月的老婆了。
我坐在KFC等她，心中暗自祈祷她不要太恐龙。9点整，一个女孩推门而进，她似乎是披着阳光进来的，好耀眼的光芒，那一刻我以为我见到了天使。
我呆呆地看者她在我对面坐下，她梳着两条小辫子，额前的碎发泛着点点的光晕，我闻得到她身上力士香皂和苹果沐浴乳的味道，她未施粉黛的脸上还带着点稚气。
“你是诺儿？”我问她。
她咬着可乐吸管“恩”了一声。
“你成年了吗？”我怎么感觉自己跟诱骗未成年人一样呢？
诺儿听了这话，抬起头盯者我，她的眼睛很大，她特认真地说：“我下个月就过二十岁生日了。”
我不知道这个世界上有没有一见钟情，但我知道我对诺儿的这种感觉是从未有过的，很强烈，也很独特。我不知道这个比喻是否恰当，但我就是觉得她像个粉嫩嫩的
草莓蛋糕，可爱到让人想咬却又舍不得。我就像被施了法术一般，话都有些说不连贯，恍惚之中，看到她朝我微笑，阳光溢出来，溅落，星星点点。
我用尽了一切我所能想得出的方法才算把她“骗”到手，在我牵起她的手的那一刻，我告诉自己，她是我的女人，一个我要保护的女人。
我照例天天打Dota，但没忘了上msn和她聊天，偶尔在泡几个MM，我几乎天天都能收到她的留言：“宝宝你要乖，不要泡MM，天冷要加衣。”
我们战队顺利地进入了前八强，今天是总决赛，午休，我看着干巴巴的饭盒，没有丝毫食。走出赛区，看见大门口蹲坐着一个熟悉的身影，走过去看是诺儿。我拍拍
她，她显然吓了一跳，见是我，舒了一口气，把一个保温饭煲递到我手里。我接过后，她慌忙把手藏到身后，可是我还是看见她手上被烫的水泡。
盒里的饭有点凉了，我问她：“等很久了了？”
“对啊，你手机关掉了。”她嘟着嘴。
“不是告诉你不要来嘛。来，让老公抱抱，累了吧？”我有点心疼。
“我不来你又饿肚子，你一点都不乖，还挑食。”
我吃着盒里的饭，诺儿坐在我身边，紧张地问：“好吃吗？好吃吗？”我大口大口的扒着饭，说实话，挺难吃的，可是我能想象得出这个连袜子都不会洗的女孩是怎
样笨手笨脚地为我做第一顿饭。心中是久违了的感动。我笑着说：“老婆的爱心午餐当然好吃了，你看我不是全部都吃光了吗？
诺儿听了一脸满足地笑着，站起来就走。
“宝贝你去哪儿啊？”我问她。
“回家呗。“
“别急，我带你去一个地方。”我把她领进赛区，我从没领女孩儿见过朋友，更别说是赛区。队友们见到诺儿都好奇极了，“小嫂子、小嫂子”地叫着，弄得她脸蛋都通红的，队友们都跑来跟我打趣，我心里明白，我是真的爱上她了。
msn上，我问她，“诺儿，你嫁给我好吗？”
她还是呵呵地傻笑，“好啊。以前别人说什么要娶我，我觉得特恐怖，但是我现在突然想嫁人了。” 嗯，诺儿，相信我，等我攒够钱让你做最风光的新娘，我们就结婚。
虽然我们队没有拿到第一，但对于我们这支刚组成不久的队伍来说，全省第二的成绩已经是非常好的了，所以我决定继续努力，非打第一不可。
Dota的比赛越来越多，我也越来越忙，我忘了多久没想过诺儿了，我总是比赛到很晚，偶尔在msn上看到她，她也总是很沉默，我不知道她怎么了。现在想起来，才知道是自己不对，因为我从来没有关心过她是不是开心，过得好不好。
一天，
她说：“你能陪我说会话吗？”
我说：“不行啊，我现在在联系比赛正在等电话。而且马上要开赛了。”
“就一会儿也不行吗？”
“诺儿乖。”
”
“Dota对你来说真的很重要吗？”
“是。”
“那我呢？难道我就一点不重要吗？”
“也重要。”
“那我和Dota哪个更重要呢？”
“Dota。”我没有骗她。
很久，她的msn头像都没有再晃动。
几天后，我看到她给我的留言：“我不知道能不能等到自己比dota更重要的那一天了，以后你要照顾好自己．．．．．．”我觉得她像是在说傻话，没看完就关了msn。
几个月后，打完dota回到家已经是精疲力竭了，倒在床上一动不想动。这时手机响起来，我不想接，可它却响个没完没了。我一看是诺儿的号，就没好气地接起来说：“不是叫你这几天别打电话给我吗？你不知道我有多累……”
电话那一端传来一阵怒吼：“……你他 [ 粗话自动过滤系统 ] 还算不算是男人啊？”
不是诺儿，我一愣，“你谁呀你？”
“你甭管我是谁，明天诺儿出殡，你要也算个人，就来看她最后一眼。”
诺儿？出殡？什么跟什么呀？我还想再问下，电话戛然挂断。
忽然一股恐怖感占据了我，我拼命的回拨，很久才有人接起来，是个很苍老的声音，“你找……”
“诺儿呢？”
“她……不在了……”声音里明显带着哭腔。
我的脑袋轰的一下，难道，诺儿她真的出事了？
哪天，我看见诺儿被他们抬了出来，她脸上还带着微笑，可天使般的微笑再也泛不出光晕了，诺儿的朋友看我的眼神分明是仇视的，恨不得吃了我。诺儿的妈妈告诉
我，诺儿有血小板减少症，家里人什么都不让她做，生怕她不小心弄破了手指或是什么地方，血流不止。原以为治好了，可后来不知怎的，血小板又突然下降，心脏
功能也开始衰竭。前几天她突然精神很好，我们都明白那意味着什么，她说她想听听你的声音，打电话给你，可是关机，她说你一定在比赛呢。有人说去找你，可诺
儿不让，她说比赛对你很重要，她怕你生气，说着说着自己就哭了，我们也都跟着哭，她说肯定有一天你会明白，她比dota重要，可她等不到了……诺儿妈妈有抹起
眼泪来。
我靠在医院太平间的墙上，想哭没泪。
我好几天没打dota了，呆呆地看着诺儿的msn形象，自从诺儿走了以后，我整个人好像被抽走了力量。身和心都特别疲惫。
我打开诺儿的msn才知道，里面只有我一个人的号。
我注意到她的资料里有一个网址，打开是个心情驿站，有各种各样的故事，其中有篇文章的署名是诺儿。
我最近很不开心，我喜欢听他说话，可他却连话都不愿意和我说了，因为他很忙，他要打dota。他再也不叫我小傻瓜了，他从没说过爱我，也没送过花给我，可我还是喜欢他。
有一天我告诉他江边涨水了，他说以后陪我看，我很高兴。有一天我看见一只很可爱的小狗，他答应我，我们以后也会有一只，也叫诺儿，我很高兴。他说过几天陪我去看电影，放风筝，我特别开心，虽然这些都还没有实现，我相信总有一天会的。但我恐怕等不了那么久了。
他说dota比我重要，我没生气，因为这是实话，可是我很伤心，所以我偷偷地哭了。我想我还不够坚强，我做的还不够好，医生说我过不到下一个生日了，也就是4月4日，他还不知道我的生日呢！不过这也没关系。
我又虚弱了，刚打了几个字就很累，真的很没用。
我知道他有很多女朋友，这样也好，我走了，他不会伤心，虽然我是那样想嫁给他，我一直盼他送我玫瑰，哪怕只一支，以前有很多人送我，可我没收，因为那代表
爱情，我想我可能等不到他送我的那一天了，所以我偷偷买了一朵送给自己，我想我写什么他永远都看不见了，所以我可以随心所欲地敲打文字，我刚才打电话给
他，但他关机了。那个讨厌的声音一直重复‘对不起，您拨打的电话已关机’。我好想，真的好想再和他说说话，哪怕就一分钟，听听他的声音也好，我们好久都没
见面了，我每天都好想他。真没出息，又哭了，唉，其实我真的好放心不下他，他玩游戏时间长了眼睛会疼，我买了眼药水却没法给他，还有，他挑食……”
文章没有写完，想是她累了，结尾有一个FlasLASH，我点击Play，
优雅的声音在空空的房间里回荡。
“静静地陪你走了好远好远/
连眼睛红了都没有发现/
听着你说你现在的改变/看着我依然最在你的笑脸/
这条旧路依然没有改变/以往的每次路过都是晴天/
想起我们有过的从前/泪水就一点点开始蔓延……每当我闭起眼/
我总是看见/
你的诺言全部都会实现/
我亲过你的脸/你已经不在我身边/
我还是祝福你过的好一点/ 断开的情线/我不要做断点/只想杂睡前听见你的蜜语甜言……”
*断点- 张敬轩 Hins Cheung’s Song Lyrics*
Flash制作得有点粗糙，可我那憋了很久的眼泪还是滴了下来，画面的结尾还有一行行的小字。
“想听你说爱我，一声也好；
想接受你送的玫瑰，一朵也好；
想再多点时间爱你，哪怕只一天；
可是现在，我的手都已经好颤抖，好想再见你一面。”
我一个人做在漆黑的房间里，终于大哭起来，我就那样错过了你，我最爱的女人，还来不及宠你，还来不及实现诺言，还来不及让你做我最美丽的新娘。
该死的dota，我连你最后一面都没见上，我真该死。
是的，我终于明白了你是最重要的，可惜你不能在等我了。
今年清明没下雨，我放弃了dota，做了白领，我一定会要你做我最风光的新娘。
“生日快乐，小傻瓜。”
每日礼拜我都会来这里，我只想和你说说话，纯白饿墓碑宛如你的纯洁。微风像你的发丝轻佛过我的脸，想念我那依然最爱的你的笑脸。
朋友、家人都惊讶于我的改变，我不抽烟了，不打dota了，不上网了，养了一只和你一样可爱的小狗，像当初我们说好的那样，叫它诺儿，我只想再和你说说话，再送你最美的玫瑰
P.S :
Things lost will never come back,
I lost things that is important to me
And I never appreaciate it,
Now I regret it so much,
Regret till I wish I can turn back time,
But I cant and I do not have the power
And now I just hope that the person I love will live happily
Living happily without me
Sunday, August 30, 2009
On someone's demand
Well, I am actually quite lazy to update my blog but since so many people keep asking i will find something to post...
On friday which is 3 or 4 days ago, I went to City Harvest Church drama production and the title of the production is "Will you marry me". The storyline is good and of course the actor and actresses are brilliant which make the whole production a success. The story was so touching that it actually touch so many people's heart including myself especially when the main actor's mom pass away. This really inspire me to appreciate people who loves you rather then mourn for the people that does not care for you.
Anyway, just hope that my life will get better as time pass and slowly regain back what i should be doing and be on track in my life....For now i guess the only thing i can do is do preserve myself and pray....
P.S
Do you know how much I miss you?
On friday which is 3 or 4 days ago, I went to City Harvest Church drama production and the title of the production is "Will you marry me". The storyline is good and of course the actor and actresses are brilliant which make the whole production a success. The story was so touching that it actually touch so many people's heart including myself especially when the main actor's mom pass away. This really inspire me to appreciate people who loves you rather then mourn for the people that does not care for you.
Anyway, just hope that my life will get better as time pass and slowly regain back what i should be doing and be on track in my life....For now i guess the only thing i can do is do preserve myself and pray....
P.S
Do you know how much I miss you?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Something I found out about me
Have not been updating my blog cause I do not want to...Many people are starting to read my blog and i might offend them without me knowing....After going through some checkups, i am having anxiety disorder and it has been hunting me for the past 1 month and I do not like the feeling... I need treatment and I am undergoing it.
When I was going through treatment, I notice many things about me.... All these while I have not really do anything for myself. I study for my mom, I desperately wan a girlfriend because I want my mom and my grandmother to be happy. I do so many things because of the 2 important people in my life until i neglect mine. I should start doing things for myself,not for them.
The 2nd, I need to be loved...when I was going through i know that I want someone to loved me because I lack of love since long ago till i forgot when it was the last time. Besides that, I guess what goes around comes around...I will never be able to get the person that I might fall for...
Besides the above, I want to get my life out of my college friends life...They might always think in their heart that I might offend them but do you all put yourself in my shoe and think. I am very dissapointed especially those who believe in other people rather than me and u call that friends. I am so sorry but i guess if that is what you think, our frienship is over. People asked for help and i tried to help and i got scolding, that is just so good...I got the blame , I got the scolding and i am the 1 need to apologize...The funniest thing on earth, and I did apologize because i really put friendship as my frist priority but I guess this will be my last. I just really could not trust any1, I am so sorry...I tried but i been hurt 5 times already and is different people, i just have a barrier there...
I do not have the mood to play games anymore, maybe is because the promise that i have made? I do not have the fire or the eager to actually play the games where I was very good at it, I some sort like give up...
I so badly want to cry but my tears could never come out, I want to do so is because when my tears come out at least i might heal abit but i just could not cry!!!
On monday there was a BBQ party when i send my friends back I saw the mter went up high, I stopped and fix it, i actually thought of why not i just dissappear like dat but I just could not do it, I cant afford to make my mom worry plus my friends are with me I must send them home safely even if it cost anything...I wander if i just dissappear will any1 actually notice? Will any1 find out what happen?? Will it actually make a difference? Will some1 actually feel guilty? Will some1 regret for not telling me something? Will my friends regret that they did nto spend time with me? There is just so many question that I could not answer..
I just want to forget all the bad experience but why I just cant...anyway I better go to sleep before my parents wake up..
P.S
I tried so hard and do everything I could,
But I just could not get what I wanted,
Which is actually you.
When I was going through treatment, I notice many things about me.... All these while I have not really do anything for myself. I study for my mom, I desperately wan a girlfriend because I want my mom and my grandmother to be happy. I do so many things because of the 2 important people in my life until i neglect mine. I should start doing things for myself,not for them.
The 2nd, I need to be loved...when I was going through i know that I want someone to loved me because I lack of love since long ago till i forgot when it was the last time. Besides that, I guess what goes around comes around...I will never be able to get the person that I might fall for...
Besides the above, I want to get my life out of my college friends life...They might always think in their heart that I might offend them but do you all put yourself in my shoe and think. I am very dissapointed especially those who believe in other people rather than me and u call that friends. I am so sorry but i guess if that is what you think, our frienship is over. People asked for help and i tried to help and i got scolding, that is just so good...I got the blame , I got the scolding and i am the 1 need to apologize...The funniest thing on earth, and I did apologize because i really put friendship as my frist priority but I guess this will be my last. I just really could not trust any1, I am so sorry...I tried but i been hurt 5 times already and is different people, i just have a barrier there...
I do not have the mood to play games anymore, maybe is because the promise that i have made? I do not have the fire or the eager to actually play the games where I was very good at it, I some sort like give up...
I so badly want to cry but my tears could never come out, I want to do so is because when my tears come out at least i might heal abit but i just could not cry!!!
On monday there was a BBQ party when i send my friends back I saw the mter went up high, I stopped and fix it, i actually thought of why not i just dissappear like dat but I just could not do it, I cant afford to make my mom worry plus my friends are with me I must send them home safely even if it cost anything...I wander if i just dissappear will any1 actually notice? Will any1 find out what happen?? Will it actually make a difference? Will some1 actually feel guilty? Will some1 regret for not telling me something? Will my friends regret that they did nto spend time with me? There is just so many question that I could not answer..
I just want to forget all the bad experience but why I just cant...anyway I better go to sleep before my parents wake up..
P.S
I tried so hard and do everything I could,
But I just could not get what I wanted,
Which is actually you.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Recipe to bake a chocolate cake
Items needed
1 cup cocoa powder - sieve
1 cup water
1/2 cup Castor sugar
6 eggs
350g Castor Sugar
250g butter
250g self raising flour (sieve)
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 tsp baking powder (optional)
toppings
1 tin condensed milk (small)
1 cup cocoa powder
1/4 cup corn oil
pinch of salt
2 tbsp. vanilla essence
Method
1. Mix cocoa powder, water and sugar together to form smooth paste
2. Beat together butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Add eggs one at the time and beat it well
3. Add vanilla essence and told in flour
4. Lastly mix in cocao paste and mix well
5. Divide mixture in 2 tin and bake in moderate oven for 30 mins (2 for 45 mins) (170 Celsius)
P.S: make sure u change the position if you baked 2 cakes, make sure that they are evenly heated
(Important note:Make sure the cake is cool first before going adding the toppings)
Toppings
1. Dip all the topping ingredients together until smooth and shiny.
2. Spread some of the mixture on one of the cakes and sandwich with other.
3. Spread remaining topping on top of the cake.
P.S: You may design it as you like
Thanks to Cla's mom which actually take me as her own son and give me this recipe.
Lucky she explain over to me on how to bake it so now when i explain to you all I can make it clearer.
P.S
Do I always know??
No, I don't.
But I believe the day will come
1 cup cocoa powder - sieve
1 cup water
1/2 cup Castor sugar
6 eggs
350g Castor Sugar
250g butter
250g self raising flour (sieve)
1 tsp vanilla essence
1 tsp baking powder (optional)
toppings
1 tin condensed milk (small)
1 cup cocoa powder
1/4 cup corn oil
pinch of salt
2 tbsp. vanilla essence
Method
1. Mix cocoa powder, water and sugar together to form smooth paste
2. Beat together butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Add eggs one at the time and beat it well
3. Add vanilla essence and told in flour
4. Lastly mix in cocao paste and mix well
5. Divide mixture in 2 tin and bake in moderate oven for 30 mins (2 for 45 mins) (170 Celsius)
P.S: make sure u change the position if you baked 2 cakes, make sure that they are evenly heated
(Important note:Make sure the cake is cool first before going adding the toppings)
Toppings
1. Dip all the topping ingredients together until smooth and shiny.
2. Spread some of the mixture on one of the cakes and sandwich with other.
3. Spread remaining topping on top of the cake.
P.S: You may design it as you like
Thanks to Cla's mom which actually take me as her own son and give me this recipe.
Lucky she explain over to me on how to bake it so now when i explain to you all I can make it clearer.
P.S
Do I always know??
No, I don't.
But I believe the day will come
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Unlucky moment and friends
Since Friday, I have been really unlucky in stuff and things that I do. Even the things I do best, I cant manage to do it . Even gaming, I keep losing and could not manage to win. Well there is one chance where I could actually win but you know what happen?? The electricity go off and out of so many houses, my house is the 1 that got pick....
Well is been 5 days now, since it happen, how can my life be any worst than this?? Somehow, I am actually very happy that all these happen. Why is it so? I do not know myself but I am really feeling happy. Hahahaha
I got to know a new friend form college last Friday, she come from Miri. So we mingle around and I know that she just move to usj2 which is my housing area. The most weirdest past is I only got to know that she is my neighbor TODAY. OMG, after 5 days I only know that she is my neighbor, really unexpected. Well, made a new friend and a neighbor, her family will be leaving her tommorow. After that, I guess I will be the 1 taking care of her, since she is new here. Friends suppose to take care of each other right? Just hope that this friend will be worth taking care off.. :P
P.S
As Long As I have A Single Breath,
I Will Never Give Up
Well is been 5 days now, since it happen, how can my life be any worst than this?? Somehow, I am actually very happy that all these happen. Why is it so? I do not know myself but I am really feeling happy. Hahahaha
I got to know a new friend form college last Friday, she come from Miri. So we mingle around and I know that she just move to usj2 which is my housing area. The most weirdest past is I only got to know that she is my neighbor TODAY. OMG, after 5 days I only know that she is my neighbor, really unexpected. Well, made a new friend and a neighbor, her family will be leaving her tommorow. After that, I guess I will be the 1 taking care of her, since she is new here. Friends suppose to take care of each other right? Just hope that this friend will be worth taking care off.. :P
P.S
As Long As I have A Single Breath,
I Will Never Give Up
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dota or GF (copy from my brother's blog)
DOTA vs GF.. Enjoy~~
DOTA, it's one and only in the world,
DOTA, it's one and only in the world,
GF, there's a lot.
GF will leave you,
GF will leave you,
DOTA will never leave you.
GF gets mad when you play dota,
DOTA doesn't get mad when you have gf.
DOTA has a cheap price,
GF wants a high price.
when you get to see other hero, DOTA doesn't get mad,
when you get to see other girls, GF gets mad.
GF, when you leave her, it's hard to come back,
DOTA, when you leave, it's still be there when you come back.
what do you want, DOTA or GF?
think now...
GF: "why, can DOTA do romantic things to you?"
DOTA: "Why, can GF give triple enjoyment when you do TRIPLE KILL?"
GF: "Why, can DOTA make you complete as a man?"
DOTA: "Why, can Gf make a man GODLIKE?"
But they have 1 thing in common,
it is when they are always there when you have a problem.
When you lose in DOTA, who can make you happy, GF right?
When you have a problem with your GF, who can make you happy, DOTA right?
hehe~~hope u enjoy..~~
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Who/What am I???
I really could not tell....anyone have an idea of who I am???
My primary teacher,tuition teacher, secondary teacher, and some of friends tells me that I am actually a very smart and capable in anything kind of people as long as I am willing to commit and sacrifice, they say they are 100% sure I will be much better than other people...
I have been getting this since i was young till now but i just do not know where my true self is...How come I able to know so many things that is happening, how come i can feel some people feelings...Why am I having this so call "gift"??? I just do not understand, what is the purpose of me born? What is the purpose of me living???
Some people know that I am doing things for people, things meaning their homework, their personal stuff, etc. I sometimes do it till I am not able to do mine... Many people have advise/scolded me before but i still just continue doing it... Why do I continue?? I always say that this is the last time i will do it but i just continue doing it..why why why??
Many people say that they are just using me...In a way I am their MR."Right Now" not MR. "right" If I really stop doing all these will I still have my friends?
If I stop doing all these, will I able to find my true self?
If I stop doing all these, will I be able to achieve my dreams?
So many questions that me myself could not answer...
Why do good people have do die young, If just I am able to transfer my life span to you, I would do it with any cost that is going to happen to me...I dont mind what will happen to me as long as you can live a longer and happy life.
P.S :
Next time do not say,
Everything is impossible...
Why is it so???
Cause even the word impossible said I Am Possible...
My primary teacher,tuition teacher, secondary teacher, and some of friends tells me that I am actually a very smart and capable in anything kind of people as long as I am willing to commit and sacrifice, they say they are 100% sure I will be much better than other people...
I have been getting this since i was young till now but i just do not know where my true self is...How come I able to know so many things that is happening, how come i can feel some people feelings...Why am I having this so call "gift"??? I just do not understand, what is the purpose of me born? What is the purpose of me living???
Some people know that I am doing things for people, things meaning their homework, their personal stuff, etc. I sometimes do it till I am not able to do mine... Many people have advise/scolded me before but i still just continue doing it... Why do I continue?? I always say that this is the last time i will do it but i just continue doing it..why why why??
Many people say that they are just using me...In a way I am their MR."Right Now" not MR. "right" If I really stop doing all these will I still have my friends?
If I stop doing all these, will I able to find my true self?
If I stop doing all these, will I be able to achieve my dreams?
So many questions that me myself could not answer...
Why do good people have do die young, If just I am able to transfer my life span to you, I would do it with any cost that is going to happen to me...I dont mind what will happen to me as long as you can live a longer and happy life.
P.S :
Next time do not say,
Everything is impossible...
Why is it so???
Cause even the word impossible said I Am Possible...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Responsibilities
I guess the older I grow the more responsibilities i have...especially at home..
Why is it so??
1) I need to do more housework(hang cloths,bring in cloths,wash plate, etc)
2) I become driver. (fetch sis and dad)
3) I need to stay at home when no one is around (which means, i am the only person at home)
4) I need to do things on my own like settling bank stuff or petrol road tax etc.
5) I start to help my dad collect stuff from places (if i know the place)
6) When any of my family members want to use the comp, i will let them use.
7) I am still a mama boy where my mom say no, i will say no too...(haix)
Anyway, I guess I am starting to get girls fobia back...Please dont tell me I am becoming gay....
P.S
Life is short,
Live life to the fullest
Why is it so??
1) I need to do more housework(hang cloths,bring in cloths,wash plate, etc)
2) I become driver. (fetch sis and dad)
3) I need to stay at home when no one is around (which means, i am the only person at home)
4) I need to do things on my own like settling bank stuff or petrol road tax etc.
5) I start to help my dad collect stuff from places (if i know the place)
6) When any of my family members want to use the comp, i will let them use.
7) I am still a mama boy where my mom say no, i will say no too...(haix)
Anyway, I guess I am starting to get girls fobia back...Please dont tell me I am becoming gay....
P.S
Life is short,
Live life to the fullest
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Happy or should i say satisfied???
Well, why is it so?? Because today someone finally did something which she will never do and confront a person and settle about their conflicts. Most importantly, they are now friends again.
Another thing is today I actually ask some1 to take over my post when i just cant be there to solve things. I just want to tell them that I am sorry but i really need my time now. This is due to the previous few post maybe?? haha... just hope that she continue growing up, she will be 1 successful person in the future.
Michelle Tan Lee Shern (hope i got the shern spell correctly) I would wan to wish you happy birthday. Although is abit late but better late than never.
The new generation is always taking over, what you cannot do, they might be able to do it.
So train them properly and they might be able to achieve what you want to achieve and you will be satisfied that they are able to do it.
Another thing is today I actually ask some1 to take over my post when i just cant be there to solve things. I just want to tell them that I am sorry but i really need my time now. This is due to the previous few post maybe?? haha... just hope that she continue growing up, she will be 1 successful person in the future.
Michelle Tan Lee Shern (hope i got the shern spell correctly) I would wan to wish you happy birthday. Although is abit late but better late than never.
The new generation is always taking over, what you cannot do, they might be able to do it.
So train them properly and they might be able to achieve what you want to achieve and you will be satisfied that they are able to do it.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Maturity
Today, I actually outgrown my parents in many ways...
Why, today the house alarm rang and is very annoying and disturbing not only us but the neighbours as well.
I 1st asked my dad to off the main power of the house electricity but my dad just do not want to listen and he say he is confirm that it will not work. Then my uncle came and tried to off it and it works...if my dad listen to me earlier, he would have save many troubles from bugging his friends to my uncle.
Other than that, I also help my mom to make jelly/agar-agar which is in a big amount and then I settle my own dinner outside cause my parents and had some Indian dinner to attend.
I just suddenly feel not happy and satisfied because does age really matter to everything??? Why just cant they accept that sometimes age does not matter, sometimes that younger people are much mature and smarter than them.Well i guess i will end it here.
I just hope that 1 day the world will change that age does not matter.
P.S : Work hard and do not care what people thinks about you, as long you did your best and never give up, its good enough.
Why, today the house alarm rang and is very annoying and disturbing not only us but the neighbours as well.
I 1st asked my dad to off the main power of the house electricity but my dad just do not want to listen and he say he is confirm that it will not work. Then my uncle came and tried to off it and it works...if my dad listen to me earlier, he would have save many troubles from bugging his friends to my uncle.
Other than that, I also help my mom to make jelly/agar-agar which is in a big amount and then I settle my own dinner outside cause my parents and had some Indian dinner to attend.
I just suddenly feel not happy and satisfied because does age really matter to everything??? Why just cant they accept that sometimes age does not matter, sometimes that younger people are much mature and smarter than them.Well i guess i will end it here.
I just hope that 1 day the world will change that age does not matter.
P.S : Work hard and do not care what people thinks about you, as long you did your best and never give up, its good enough.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Feelings
I just do not understand why I am feeling like this. I somehow feel lonely and depress. I am always fighting with my heart and feeling. In a way, I am having 2 heart or 2 me. 1 of me is my sixth sense, the other 1 of me is me my reality self which always doing my best to make a difference. Okay, to tell you that till now my sixth sense never once goes wrong.
So everytime I am always fighting with my sixth sense, to prove that I can change that situation but i never once succeeded in doing so. Everytime I failed to prove my sixth sense wrong, the more i lose my confidence. Do you know the feeling where you always work hard to change something but everytime you do it you failed?? that is the feeling and it is not only once i have been going through this since I was form 2.
I am mentally tired. I have a dreams of my own which I want to achieve. Maybe I should be selfish and care for myself but not others.
Anyway thats all for the emo part. Yesterday I manage to not to say master the skill but know how to do it and when I do worngly I know what is it. I manage to do 2 skills properly. 1st is my front tuck, I manage to tuck with my hand open @@. 2nd is my flic flac, I can feel it already which means I will know whether I am doing correctly or wrong. Time to aim even higher!!!!
Should I put my blog to private???
So everytime I am always fighting with my sixth sense, to prove that I can change that situation but i never once succeeded in doing so. Everytime I failed to prove my sixth sense wrong, the more i lose my confidence. Do you know the feeling where you always work hard to change something but everytime you do it you failed?? that is the feeling and it is not only once i have been going through this since I was form 2.
I am mentally tired. I have a dreams of my own which I want to achieve. Maybe I should be selfish and care for myself but not others.
Anyway thats all for the emo part. Yesterday I manage to not to say master the skill but know how to do it and when I do worngly I know what is it. I manage to do 2 skills properly. 1st is my front tuck, I manage to tuck with my hand open @@. 2nd is my flic flac, I can feel it already which means I will know whether I am doing correctly or wrong. Time to aim even higher!!!!
Should I put my blog to private???
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sometimes the truth isnt good enough
Okay...erm I do not know how to start blogging for this post because many things had happen in my life and I am the 1 watching it going through everything. AND sometimes it sucks to know so many things.
Reason of why it sucks knowing so many.
1) I am not a superman, i cant solve so many things. Sometimes I just could not solve the problem.
2) I cannot always be there to solve the problem, I have my own too.
3) People will tend to ask you whether you know such things and ask you more.
4) What if both are your friends and you care for who will you help??
5) If it involves my friends, it will make me worried
As some of you guys know or experience before, I do not really care what happen to me. I will just keep it in my heart and maybe go to 1 corner and be sad to myself but If you harm someone I really loved and cared, I will make you pay 10 times or maybe 100 times worst they what they suffer. I bet the 1's that suffer before knows because I torture people mentally and physically.
Now back to the topic.
Why do i say so??? because sometimes the truth cannot be reveal. It will sometimes hurt other people either physically or mentally. If is physically, it will heal but what if it is mentally??? It will haunt that person for life. Why I am saying so because I find myself having a disorder since I was a childhood and I wanted to heal myself but the more I study psychology the more depress I am because I know that my disorder could not be heal. So sometimes we just could not reveal the truth to people so that they can live their happy life.
This is not related to the topic
Well I just hope that she knows that I love her, I really do and I am willing to let go some things in my life just to be with her.
Sometimes the truth isnt good enough,
Sometimes people deserves more,
Sometimes people deserves to have their faith rewarded.
Reason of why it sucks knowing so many.
1) I am not a superman, i cant solve so many things. Sometimes I just could not solve the problem.
2) I cannot always be there to solve the problem, I have my own too.
3) People will tend to ask you whether you know such things and ask you more.
4) What if both are your friends and you care for who will you help??
5) If it involves my friends, it will make me worried
As some of you guys know or experience before, I do not really care what happen to me. I will just keep it in my heart and maybe go to 1 corner and be sad to myself but If you harm someone I really loved and cared, I will make you pay 10 times or maybe 100 times worst they what they suffer. I bet the 1's that suffer before knows because I torture people mentally and physically.
Now back to the topic.
Why do i say so??? because sometimes the truth cannot be reveal. It will sometimes hurt other people either physically or mentally. If is physically, it will heal but what if it is mentally??? It will haunt that person for life. Why I am saying so because I find myself having a disorder since I was a childhood and I wanted to heal myself but the more I study psychology the more depress I am because I know that my disorder could not be heal. So sometimes we just could not reveal the truth to people so that they can live their happy life.
This is not related to the topic
Well I just hope that she knows that I love her, I really do and I am willing to let go some things in my life just to be with her.
Sometimes the truth isnt good enough,
Sometimes people deserves more,
Sometimes people deserves to have their faith rewarded.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Random
Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe-
Well i guess this is very suitable for my condition now.
Well i guess this is very suitable for my condition now.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Long lost brother???
Sunday morning I went to KCBA interview everything went smoothly until MCD. We were having our lunch there due to majority vote. During that time i notice that Mr Ng Tuck Long was wearing everything the same as me. We both wear hat then we wear same shirt, jeans and the same kind of shoe. OMG everything same and we did not ask each other about what we going to wear for the day is just conceincidence.
Besides that, we like the same kind of food and we both dont like chili sauce. Our taste for girls are the same and our chacracter is basically same. Plus we study the same course but different college. More importantly we look slightly like each other!!! I have nothing to say but is really like another me and we are really close to each other (like Gay, even people says that).
I have a dream before this interview and the people turn up is the same. I have another dream which invloves about what post are we going to get and in my dream i got shock. So i wan to know what will happen this coming sunday.
Anyway thats all from me. will be updating another post about confusion soon.
Besides that, we like the same kind of food and we both dont like chili sauce. Our taste for girls are the same and our chacracter is basically same. Plus we study the same course but different college. More importantly we look slightly like each other!!! I have nothing to say but is really like another me and we are really close to each other (like Gay, even people says that).
I have a dream before this interview and the people turn up is the same. I have another dream which invloves about what post are we going to get and in my dream i got shock. So i wan to know what will happen this coming sunday.
Anyway thats all from me. will be updating another post about confusion soon.
Friday, January 9, 2009
D2YC camp (Dec 14-19)
Resting on my laps
She tug in between my leg
Closed eye ( Okay i know i am a celebrity, but can you let me sleep?)
She went back down (this is a nice pose)
The cat was looking at the camera thinking of pose
I was sleeping and this kitty come and sleep under my legs ( I got frighten)
Look at the time man
Day Manager @@
Effect
participant putting salt at ulser
Mr Jason LumWell, i was helping Wai Cheong in the kitchen most of the time and it is not easy but is kinda fun.
Anyway, I was the day manager for day 3 , it is actually stressful and tiring but i like it cause it keeps me busy from missing her. It was also the talent night day, I have fun torturing the participants. So sorry if you guys get offended
One of the day i was chatting and talking on the phone with her, it is during the night where the participants were having their supper.
Once again pictures speaks a thousand words and the pictures show roughly what happen in camp. I spend most of the time with the kitten. >.<
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