40th days without sharon (Hot, Night)

I guess today post will be a short one... Anyway nothing happen much today is just that Sharon is overstress already... she do not even have time to take naps... Her eyebags sure grow bigger for now... I really try everything to lessen her burden and stuff but I did not manage to and she say she can handle herself... Later on, she had a food poisoning, i guess is also due to her overstress..I do not know how long can she take it but no matter how I will just do my best to make her not fall sick... Luckily I pass her a packet of chocolates yesterday so now she can have something to munch on.. I guess i really need to step into her life this time so that she will not fall sick again...

P.S: Do your best ya... I cant do much to help but if you really need someone or a shoulder to lean or cry, you know who to call....

37th, 38th, and 39th days without sharon (Cooling, Night)

Again is 3 days only i wrote the blog... Well this is because I am having exams and stuff and my last paper was today.. I still have 1 more which is MUET but I could not study for that as because is it about speaking. Anyway this post i will talk about Broga hill's first.

Well, was at Ian house and most of us did not sleep. For me i got an half an hour sleep because i was very tired if I so not sleep I think I will collapse so we leave Ian house around 4 something and reach the destination at 5.30am. We start climbing and the place was very dark. Until a certain point, I was leading the climb. I notice that i was not only leading my group but all the other strangers as well. Suddenly feel so pressure but the feeling is good. When I start climbing, I only keep thinking about the things ahead and I do not really care about things behind me. Well while climbing I have many mixed feelings with me> After finish climbing I was actually feeling a little disappointed because it cannot really see the sun rise. So i keep trying to get a best shot because I want to show sharon too. After that we went back to Ian house while others went back to theirs. Everyone was dead in their bed except Kai Qin, Ian and me. We attended service but during the service, Ian and Kai Qin fel asleep but I did not. Kai Qin even say I look the most normal among 3 of them. After that, I wnet back and sleep and waited for sharon's call to pick her up. Well, when she called, is was really a heavy rain and my car is inside. In order to get my car i need to move so many cars. Luckily, my dad let me to drive his car. So i pick sharon up and quickly send her home because her mom start scolding. She look thinner again now maybe because of the stress and stuff so I think i must do something to take care of her.

Tuesday, I fetch her back from Elanie's hose after they studied.. Well is my first time seeing her in baju kurang and i think she look better than wearing pinnafore... I know these days she is stress so I bought a chocolate for her again to give her some encouragement... During the night, there is some1 disturbing her, if i not mistaken is a malay guy. She got scared so i called her to tell her everything is alright and if the guy call again I ask her to tell me. After that, I ask her to go to sleep. Signing off

34th, 35th and 36th days without sharon (normal , Night) (At Ian house)

Is 3 days again and now its getting to the peak where I am at the most stressful and tired. I tend to send some message to Sharon when I am smsing her but in an uncounsious state which means that I am half asleep and I will say things that is not good? Well is basically what my heart feel but is just that I did not tell her about it because i think she will get pressure or bored when she reads it. This is because normally after we discuss about this topic, we will sure argue but this time I suit her. She wanted to know the content on what i wrote and i send it to her and i suit her where she does not know what to say then i tell her not to say anything. Although I really want to hear an answer which is where she is willing to accept me back. Anyway is not to say that i gave up on her or something but I just feel like I need to respect her more in this sense. I want to her to be my girlfriend again so i can really fully loved her and protect her because there is a limit where i can go when we are just friends but I will also do my very best even if we are just friends. This morning, I was actually worried that I will really lose her in a way that she got to know a new guy. What is wrong with me? Too paranoid i guess...

Just now was the first time that she gave so much opinion on certain stuff and I was shocked. It nearly reach a part where I nearly wanted to argue with her because she keep asking me to go home to rest because i was tired but isnt she doing the same thing? Attending church service even though she was tired? I thought of these factors because of my tiredness and my mind is not thinking rationally. Anyway I did not argue with her at all because I think that she is caring for me where she do not want me to broke down and want me to have suffiecient rest. Love you bie, no matter what you mean in that.

Wow, with this state of mind I actually do not know what am i writing, was half blur due to my condition now but is basically my true feelings. This blog was for me to spit out my true feelings especially for her to read it,since she want to know so much about me. After watching few drama I am only jut a month plus away but in the drama they waited for years and years so I guess I need to be more patience till she accept me again.

P.S : Although I am tired but I am willing to sacrifice some of my rest time just to make you happy. I do not care what will happen in the future but what i care is now where I will Love and protect you as much as I can

32nd and 33th Day without sharon (Hot, night)

I guess I will summarize things up again as it has been a busy week for me. She say something about us smsing too much and stuff. Yes I do agree because all these while i purposely sms her day and night so that she will tell me that we should sms lesser \. Finally on that she told me. Although it hurts bit but I am glad she manage to tell me and share with me. Of course after she told we really did sms much lesser and i guess this makes her miss me more? haha

Today is her bowling day again. Just like normal they do have transport so I need to fetch them. I am willingly to fetch them but like what i told sharon you need to ask, she did but at the end she feel bit guilty. So I manage to find a way by not making her guilty (hope so). After that, she went to elanie house to practice and manage to do it quite fast. Really impressive but she told me that her parent in a bad mood cause do not want to fetch her and stuff. I called her hope that she will be fine and she is but she is sad because she could not online. After her tuition, the time is 1145pm and she still cant sleep. I pray that she will have a good night sleep and of course pray that she can go to starbucks with me on thursday night. Signing off.

29th,30th and 31st dat wtihout sharon (rainy, night)

Is been 3 days that I did not update... Well nothing much happen in these 3 days so i will just bring through... It exactly 1 month we broke up. I did not notice it till i look back at the calender. I do not know whether she did notice it but i do not want to remind her about it. Well I guess i really broke the record. She was my longest relationship and the longest time that my heart stay with only 1 person. It really hurt sometimes waiting for her and I do not know whether things I do will change her decision but this is the gamble i must take. I officially owe her 3 things First, bring her to Pulau Ketam, 2nd get her a surprise(Is not really a surprise but just something for her), 3rd bring her to Broga hills to see the sun rise. Of course, she also owe me 1 thing, hoping that she will fullfill it 1 day ^^. Today she has a really bad mood. I can feel it and I try real hard to cheer her up and get her mind of but I did not manage to because like what i said in the previous post, I can feel her mood. So how can a moody person cheer up another moody person. Her modem got problem now, she could not online this only add to her moodiness. I feel that I need to improve more to cheer her up.

I notice 1 thing there is so many pretty and attractive girls in my life but I just do not know why I only feel that Sharon is only the prettiest for me. No matter how i look at her, she is still pretty. She always say that some picture she dont look pretty or she say she look fat but is otherwise she really look good especially When she is happy and when she had wide smile i just feel like she is so pretty till that is undescribable. So bie always smile ya ^^. I will also do my best to make you smile everyday.


P.S : Sorry bie, I just not good in cheering people up but i will do my best to learn and make u smile everyday because when u smile you are the prettiest girl on the universe

27th and 28th days without sharon (hot, tired, night)

Tuesday was not so bad... I meet her in summit and had a long and good chat with her teacher. I always hang out in summit after my public speaking class and she tell me that she will be at bowling and i need to fetch elanie back so I went over there. After they finish bowling, they went for some shopping and Sharon was hungry and she wants waffle so we accompany her to buy waffle. Along the way, elanie and yun yee walk so fast to leave me and sharon behind. I appreciate what they do but i guess it will just make the situation more awkward because we are not couples anymore. In the end, I manage to had some fun time with her with bit of teasing and flirting here and there. After everything, I fetch 3 of them back who is sharon, elanie and yun yee. In the car they tried speaking kindergarden chinese and it was so much fun. I also ask sharon to learnt abit of driving but she is scared and she did not want to. After that we continue to sms and i promise her to bring her to Pulau Ketam. She even text me to have a good sleep due to my few days of nightmare but my friend force me to go yam cha with them everything spoil. After i went back, I did manage to sleep properly and woke her up in time.

Wednesday, nothing much on this days, things just went like normal. I text her getting to know whether her throat was getting better. She told me that she did not eat sushi for a very long time. I manage to text her till her last message was my sis bought ice cream and she eating herself, she din buy for me :(. I replied her but she did not replied. After a while i text her again still there is no reply. Another 15 minutes later I text her again but still no reply. At 11pm, I made a last call just to check on her but i could not get her guess her phone got some problem again. So i text her a good night message. Even though i know that she is at home and is safe but inside my heart I am still worry. Is it because of my nightmare making me so paranoid? After that, I rush home not long after Ian text me. He scolded me for something and I admit that i am wrong but I really did not notice them and I am tired. My brain could not think properly and my vision was only to what I am suppose to do. And now I am still not able to sleep maybe because I am too worried of her? Well I guess I still have assignment that i need to complete signing off.

25th and 26th day without Sharon ( hot, night)

Is sunday and I had a nightmare. This is the nightmare that I never want to have again because it really make me feel so useless. The nightmare is about I could not protect my love one's. This time is a guy bug into the house and he start bullying and torturing my loved 1 and i notice something was wrong due to my sixth sense, i hurry home and it really happen so I got into a fight with that guy. I manage to beat him up but the guy does not feel any pain. Instead he keep laughing because he manage to torture my loved 1. No matter how hard i hit he still laugh and when i looked at the condition of my loved 1, I shouted and cry. After that I woke up, it really feels real because my throat feels pain and my eyes are wet. Anyway go on to my life, I had a small argument with her again today because she says she sometimes feel angry when she read about my blog. I was shock and also angry because when i ask her how she feel, she did not tell me that she is angry but in end, we solve it in a mature way. After i got back home, I got another argument with my friend. I am already tired and i have many things to do but my friend keep bugging me to accompany him but he leave me alone. I really want to call someone to talk and i thought of her but she is already sleeping plus she is sick so I do not want to disturb her. I really need support but who could i get it from??

Monday, I finally share out some of my things that i seldom share to Sharon. She is also wants to know about it. I only tell her minor details due to the time constrain. After her nap her sore throat got worse, and she went tuition without bringing water. She is 17 but it seems like she do not know how to take care of herself, when i thought of it I just find it very cute(do not know how to describe my feeling). After that I went to POS for practice. I had lots of stress there because I am worry about the flyer. I really do not want anyone that fly on my set got injured because I did it once and i do not want it to happen again. I remember once where i save my flyer, I saw blood and I got panic. I say are you okay and they say yea I am fine but you are bleeding then only i notice that it was me that got injured not the flyer. Anyway I do not mind getting hurt as long as the flyer is safe. Even though it was stressful but I had much fun and I really do not feel like going back because when i go back i need to live my reality life again. I went to buy strepsils for Sharon because her throat feels pain and she got bit of flu so I try to get the strepils with bit of vitamin C in it for her because she do not have vitamin C.

Coming to my part, I am really getting emo. The dream keep haunting me till i really could not sleep. The dream went away after I start to get close with Sharon and become her Bf last year but now it comes back and it worse than ever. I guess she made the right decision to broke off with me. I could not even make my girlfriend comfortable with me and I gave her so much pressure. I guess she does not feel secure at all. Just like in my dream I could not even protect my loved 1. I guess i really should not ask for a second chance anymore i will just make her suffer. I guess i should also disappear away from her so that she can lived her happy life without a useless guy like me making her suffer so much. I guess I should also stop blogging to erase my life away from her. Lets see how things goes.

P.S: I really want to disappear away but I still want to protect her from harm. What should I do?

24th day without sharon (hot, day)

I guess i am abit late for today's post... Well it was sharon's open day yesterday and I did not ask her about it because I know that everything will be alright.. She went shopping with her family and I guess she enjoy herself because she really like shopping and I am really a bad partner for her to go shopping with. She always say that I will show the bored look and she will say "nah see, you boring dy". Is true that i seldom go shopping but I was not bored when i go shopping with her because as long as is with her, I do not feel so bored. Sometimes she will even bring up the atmosphere to make me have more fun. It was also her grandmother birthday yesterday so she was 1 busy women on that day but we still manage to sms and chit-chat. There is 1 part where she asked me to stop calling her that nickname because she feels abit funny and she asked me to call her something else and she suggested that i call her that nickname even before we got together. I lied to her and say that there is a few but in fact there is only 1. Then why did I lied to her? It is because calling her that really feels like she is mine. During that period of time, there is some mixed feelings in me. Is like she is giving me chance to get her back but she do not want to accept me. I really do not know what is she thinking, is like she still love me but she do not want to accept me. This really make me go up and down for a while, it even make me think that sometimes she really take me for granted.

I guess time to go back to some old stories. This is because in my many past relationships, no one take me for granted instead they really appreciate me. Is I the 1 who do not appreciate them due to several reason. Some of it I do tell them but they say they are fine with it and they understand. Well I guess there is a limit to everything. They force themselves to the extent till they are suffering. I really could not do anything anymore but just to let them broke off from me so that they can live a more happier life. Facebook can really tell people what is happening.when my facebook status change to in a relationship, many girls start to show their cold attitude towards me. After my relationship status went back to single many things happen. Not to brag about it but it feels like i am going back to my life last time where many girls start appearing. What do I mean by that, some girls start to flirt with me and sometimes there is some stranger girl where she just say hi. Of course I did not say hi back because i do not think that she says hi to me and she will say "lansi" then i look around only noticing that she is saying hi to me. I guess i do not feel comfortable anymore. Is because my heart has already set to 1 person? I really do not know, lets see after 8 months whether it is really set to only 1 person. I guess will continue on to the next post.

23rd day without sharon (hot, night)

It took me awhile to think whether i should continue to blog about it after knowing that she found out about it. Well i guess i will still be blogging about because I do not have anyone to tell. Even if I have I do not know how to tell them. After knowing that she read through everything, I feel stun and shock till I really do not know what to say. The thing that I worry most is I am afraid that it will affect her answer later on. I feel like i am getting more and more worried each day. Although we got closer but I feel like I am going to lose her. This makes me want to just ask her for second chance now but i have promise her that i will not ask so I am really doing my best to keep away from that question. Sometimes I do wander if i do not text her will she text me? Will she miss me or miss my presence? Will she feel or notice that I did not text her or something? I really want to tell her is really not fair for me is like I am throwing money into the sea but I did not, i guess this is what love is all about...Love is blind... I do not know how long can my will power last but i will do my best..

P.S :
Like I always say...
As long as I have a single breath in me, I will never give up

22nd day without sharon (Very hot, Night)

I do not know whats wrong but the night keeps getting hotter and hotter each day making me want to on the air-conditioner. Today has been an unlucky day for me but I take it very positive and it did not turn out so bad. Like usual we text each other and I am always the first 1 who text first. Seems like she is more happy already i guess not so stress anymore since she currently have nothing much to do. We even jokingly argue who miss each other more. I do not know whether did she really miss me but it really makes me feel happy. After Smsing each other for sometime I asked her whether she want to know about my personal life and she answer yes so i asked her to ask about what she want to know. She say she do not know what to asked and just want me to tell her. This is a problem to me because I have never really open up to people about my personal life and the problems that i encounter. I normally solve it myself or just get over with it. Since we both could not get started, I told her to give us some time which is she think of what to asked and I think of what to tell her. After that we change topic till 11pm where she is supposed to go to sleep. She remind me that I have not told her about my personal life and I owe her 1. After reading that message, I feel happy in a way. Why? Because she normally will forget about things even though is just a few minutes but now she remembered it, maybe it seems that she is interested in knowing about my personal life. Anyway I did not manage to tell her anything because it is too late and is time for her to sleep. After wishing her good night, I continue on to do my stuff and even went for a drink at the nearest mamak stall. During that period, an indian guy who was half asleep fell down and knock into something. He was lucky that the knife did not drop if not it might have kill him. After witnessing that incident, my friends and I went back home. I guess that's all for today, signing off to bed....ZzZzZ :P

20th and 21st days without sharon (hot,night)

It looks like i am starting to write 2 days diary into 1..Am i giving excuses to myself because I have so much thing to handle? Anyway is better than nothing..

On the 20th day everything went well until we talk about her games that she thought of. I was actually joking and did not mean to hurt her at all and the main thing is I did not say anything and she got angry. So here come again our argument on a small thing. We seem to argue more often after we broke up. Well is it a good thing or a bad thing? I do not know but is just that sometimes i get fed up of arguing about small matter like that. I really want to tell her can you not be angry over a small matter but after thinking I did not say that to her because I feel that she is stress up so i say that is my fault and i say sorry. After that we change the topic, although i can feel that she is still upset, at least is better than before.

The 21st day, i guess today was just a bad day for her. She feel abit dizzy and went to sleep but the dizziness did not go away. Soon later, she had a gastric due to eating too late. We continue chatting and i ask her something personal. I manage to know her some of her secret ( i am not going to say it here). I thought I will be disappointed knowing about that but i did not instead I get even more desperate to want her to come back to me but i promise her that everything will be after her SPM so lets see how things goes...I still have 8 months

18th and 19th days without sharon (hot, night)

Did not manage to write about yesterday because my sister was using the computer and I am very tired...Well many things happen, I woke up early and keep calling her, she did not pick up i went over to her house and waited. Luckily her father saw me and woke her up if not she will still be sleeping and forgot about the easter production.. I pick her up and asked her a lot of question.. Of course this are the 1 that she do not want to answer. I asked her the question is because i really do not understand about us but i guess the one who do not understand is sharon herself but i promise i am not going to pressure her so I just let go.

Well today we sms like normal a bit of flirting here and there but when she say the word impossible it really hurt me even though if is jokingly saying that. I just feel very down and hurt. There is many things that I do not understand about me and sharon's relationship. I can feel that she still has feelings for me and what we are doing now are more than just friends but she say she just cannot take it. I really do not understand. I feel like she is hiding something from me and not telling me but everytime i ask she would just not answer the thing that i want to hear. I feel like both of us are tangling in the middle of nowhere now. We do not know whether we should move on or stay together. I am just confused about our relationship but no matter what I will wait till she finish her SPM and decide.

16th and 17th day without sharon (hot, night)

Something wrong with blogger yesterday so i did not manage to post it up...anyway yesterday was 1 hell day for me...I fetch her to church but i was very late due to the rain and jam i was stuck..she got moody and angry and i have to cheer her up but everything i do just failed and make her even more angry >.< haix... after dropping her to church i was stuck in the jam for 1 hour to get home after that getting dinner for my family and preparing for them i was so freaking tired and collapse at my bed... My sleep did not went well due to what happen just now so i decided to go to church even though i am very tired...This is due also many reason that i got scolded from my parents because i did not check the house properly before leaving... I did not manage to get in but at least i manage to catch the whole show after that sending her cousin, phei wen and her home... I send her back last and we start sharing about what happen just now and she forgive me, she even told me how to settle it when she has a bad mood like this...

Today went for basketball... i think i got sunburn due to playing till so late... she went for badminton and played til quite late also but hers was indoor... after that she went for lunch then go to church...Can know that she is tired because she did not even rest and went to church for rehearsal... well got to pick her up at 6am today hope this time i will not be late... if i am late i will be screw badly this time wish me luck and all the best i need it

15th days without sharon ( also cool, night)

Today is one tiring day for me... Due to my time in classes and rushing to take my passport I am really tired... I got scolded by mom cause of attending church and cell group too much >.< haix...

After that I fetch Sharon and phei wen to church... I can see that she is very stress with all these stuff and the only thing i could say was dont worry it will be over soon... So dumb of me... After that went to see Eric to discuss about our POS things and well everything turns out well and after a while i look at the time the time was 1130 and sharon has not called so i told eric i need to go... After a while sharon call and ask me to pick her up just like i suspected...

During the journey she looks more beautiful.. Why is it so? Because I can feel she is happy and she is smiling like there is no worries...During that time i do not know why but i feel happy myself too.. Is like i feel so happy to see her that i do not want her to go home that time but is a selfish thinking and i want her to be happy like this always so i quickly send her home so that she will not get scolded by her parents and I manage to do it... She was still happy till she went asleep..

I do not know what to say but i really feel good just seeing her smile and laugh like there is no worries in her.. anyway that is all for today will see how thing goes on easter production tomolo

14th day without sharon (still cooling, night)

This morning i went to do my passport so that i can go to Singapore... Since my parents let and so many people asking me to go i decided to go... Finally I manage to do a round off back tuck on floor without Mr.Hong Spot...I am so happy finally achieved something and i can show off...

After gym i start smsing Sharon knowing that is 11 so i msg her whether she is back home, she is not after a while she did not reply and i waited until 12 then i starting to ask justin since i saw justin was online so i expect him to be at home then only i know that sharon did not follow him home... So i call her only knowing that she was at church.. Her parents scold her badly and I know how it feel i really want to cheer her up but I am not with her I just do not know how...Before she sleep I call her again telling her dont cry everything will be alright... When i hear her cry I really wanted to rush over to her house and give her a nice warm hug just to comfort her to sleep but if i were to do that it will make the situation worst... I really feel so useless that I couold not even cheer her up when she is down.. How am i going to be her bf... My heart hurts hearing her crying.. i can feel that she is tired, stress up, and many mixed feelings because is like no1 is supporting her.. I just want to tell her I am here do not worry, I will protect but it is easy said then done... I just could not protect her.. I just need to be stronger and better to protect my loved ones

P.S : Can someone teach me how to cheer a girl up and protect her??